Author: admin

Do You Hear What I Hear?

This is Christmas 2020. One could easily say we are on the brink of something big. Many would like to say it is something tragic, the end of the world as we know it. Because the world was hit in 2020 with a pandemic called covid, or corona virus, and fear gripped everyone. It was a time to take a look at faith and at reality.

I did both. My faith carried me through what could have been a bitter anger at the reality. Instead, I found solace in knowing that my God is a good God and wasfully aware of this disaster being perpetrated on His creation. We could have a long discussion about why He didn’t stop it, or prevent it. Suffice to say, one of the most wonderful and terrifying traits of God is that he honors free will. He gave it to us with the intention that we would accept our choices and live with the consequences. At the same time, he gave us a way to get through the consequences with grace and prosperity. That is what a good God, a Good Father, does.

Sadly, the America I know seems to have been swallowed up in anger and despair, covered with a whole lot of fear, that is making our citizens angry at each other and very divided. The wearing of masks has made us suspicious of the shopper in the store if he or she doesn’t choose to wear one. Is that the person who is going to give me Covid??!! they think in disbelief. It is ironic because we have been in some form of shut down all this time and yet the flu continues. Conspiracy theories abound, and some are turning out to be true.

And we have a president who has been cheated out of re-election, at least so far, and there is a remnant of us that are still holding out that God loves us so much that he will not subject this country He inspired to become one that looks like Venezuela. Yes, I want President Trump to win this battle, and I pray daily for the key that would open the door to the fraud and criminality that stole this election right under our noses. I am in a minority, I know, but I am a true believer in the goodness of God in the land of the living.

No matter how the election ends nor how the world turns, these are amazing times. In the midst of all of this, many have been thriving while others have lost their source of income because of the lockdowns. Churches are open in some states, not in others and each state seems to be an independent nation unto itself, declaring law like they have a right to do so. And people are buying into the fear and hunkering down like obedient robots, trusting a government that seems to be enjoying the control they have found.

This is not the country our forefathers asked for or created. And since they placed God in control, we must continue to trust that He, our sovereign Creator and Lord, has a plan. He has not closed His eyes to our plight. All our prayers are being held in heaven and at just the right moment, He will pour out His mercy over us in a way this world has yet to see.

In no uncertain terms, this has been a wake up call to the people of the world, causing many to re-examine who exactly they have faith in and why. Many are drawing conclusions from the media, which has become almost like a choir of opinions rather than a journalistic approach to facts. What IS the truth anyway, and who do we believe?

So God raises His head and with great anticipation reminds us that He is the only one to be believed. How awesome that again this year we end with Christmas, a reminder of the consistent truth of a Savior, the Messiah, who came to bring peace on earth.

THIS is our final resting place. We can rest on the truth that this Jesus, who 33 years later died for all mankind so that we could have a relationship with the God who created the Universe, THIS Jesus wants to be YOUR Lord, YOUR Savior, YOUR Shepherd, YOUR King, YOUR Friend, YOUR Forgiver of all sin.

I hear God calling out from Heaven again, “Come up Here and I will show you great and mighty things, things you have yet to see. This is THAT time when I will again pour out my Spirit on all mankind, and those who see me and accept me into their lives will discover a life only dreamed of before. “

Jesus cries, “Let me in. I have been standing at the door knocking, and I will knock until you open the door to me.“

Holy Spirit is enticing us with love and joy to “Come, enter into the most amazing life that will carry you above the fray and give you peace no matter what the circumstances. “

It has been a wake up call to me this year and I end with more faith than I began. Dare I be grateful to the virus? NO! I am grateful to the God, my good good Father, who sustains and blesses and walks through all fires with us, and shows up at the end with an amazing answer to all those cries in the night. A Savior.

Do you Hear what I Hear?

Answer the door, open your heart and let Jesus come in.

After You Say You’re Sorry

There are a lot of wounded children in my community. Many of you are way past childhood in age, but carrying some deep wounds from childhood that seem to strangle you daily. Perhaps the person who caused the pain is in your family and you still have to interact with them at some point. Or they died and there is no hope of reconciliation. It is tough. Especially if the perpetrator has changed, made amends and gone on to make a good life for themselves. They gave up drinking and drugs, maybe got some good counseling and anger management classes and took responsibilit y for their lives.

But what about you? You are still left with the leftovers, the broken pieces, the hurts that cause your days to be full of pain and out of control emotions. They said they were sorry, and they are doing well. And you are not. And they no longer care. No one is available to fix your feelings or feel sorry for you. In fact, people are actually walking away from you as you scream, “but it wasn’t my fault!”

No it wasn’t. And it is now your responsibility to clean up yourself. I know, it seems so unfair. “I didn’t do this, now I have to fix it? How is THAT fair?” screams the hurt child inside.

Well, when a drunk driver crashes into you on the road because he ran a red light, and your legs are broken in three places, it isn’t fair that they walked away unscathed and now you have to get healed and walk again. But there it is. Personal responsibility.

Personal responsibility is not popular today. Mistakes kids make are erased easily and they never have to rectify their mistakes. So when does personal responsibility kick in? When there’s no one left to rescue or fix your problem.

Jesus knows. If anyone was treated unfairly, it was Him. He was sinless, and yet crucified. Even Paul teaches in Galatians 6:5, each must carry their own load. God taught that we each have a part to play.

There is no magic here. It is an arduous journey to wholeness. It means embracing the pain. Forgiveness is the first step. Mom said she is sorry. Dad said he is sorry. Jesus says He is sorry. Forgiving may take a while, but it needs to happen for us to be truly free.

Now embrace the pain. Yes, embrace it. Don’t run from it, don’t wish it away, don’t drink it away, and stop blaming everyone else. The hurt is in you and only you can fix it. But Jesus is standing right there to partner with you. He doesn’t leave you in your pain alone. He says28, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11

Alone you will falter and struggle. Jesus made a way. It’s time to let Mom and Dad and the universe off the hook and find your peace with your past. There is a future waiting for you that far exceeds the past. Nothing you have experienced is wasted. It was redeemed on the cross when Jesus died for you and is being redeemed each day that you turn from looking at yourself to looking in the eyes of Jesus who loves you so. His love will make that fear easier to confront.

Take the first step. It’s a decision.  “I take responsibility for my behavior and release all those who have hurt me from condemnation. I am ready to walk through my wholeness process. Jesus, help me.” Amen

 

What’s Your Legacy?

As I approach my 70th birthday, I find myself reflecting on my legacy. The dictionary would define Legacy as a gift or a bequest, that is handed down, endowed or conveyed from one person to another. It is something descendible one comes into possession of that is transmitted, inherited or received from a predecessor.

So often we see this as having to do with something of a financial or tangible property that is passed down. I think there is something so much more that we need to look at that I call legacy. It is the legacy of who we are and what we pass down in terms of character and purpose.

I have four children and very little property. I don’t expect there is going to be much jumping for joy when my will is read. So I have decided that it is best to leave my legacy while I am alive. I may not have time to acquire a great deal of property or money, and I doubt many of my favorite possessions will mean much to any of my children. So what can I leave instead?

Not to be pithy or sentimental, but love seems to me to be an important legacy. Loving in a healthy way will leave my family or those that know me with some idea of what I stood for and why I do the things I do, whether agreed with or not.

In my book “He Knows My Name,” I talk about love being my redemption for all my failures as a Mom, woman and wife. In a very intimate time with God, I was reminded that for all my failings, my heart was always to love well. Many times it didn’t look like it, as I didn’t have a very good model in my family, but when you have the heart of Jesus in you, love just seems to manifest in spite of yourself.

Yes, I loved the wrong men, and gave myself away too easily, and yet I look at the fruit of these four children and the seven grand children, and love had something to do with that. They all love well and truly, and that is a legacy I take some credit for. Is it enough for me to die in peace? Well, I am working on that.

You see, I am not done. With the loving. I have a lot to learn. I am a tough nut, who has been hurt by love more than I have been healed by it, except for the fact that I have a perfect loving savior in Jesus Christ who lets me kow every day that He loves and values me. That is usually enough, and yet there are so many out there who don’t even have that and it seems that if I have all this love inside me, there are probably a lot of people who could use a touch of that in their lives.

So looking for places to love, especially the unloveable, or even unlikeable, becomes my legacy and there are days when it isn’t easy. Nothing worth doing is really easy, is it? It is easy to love my grandchildren… they love me no matter what. But what about that child who still feels the hurt of my brokenness? Or the husband I have still struggled to forgive?

My legacy will be whatever I choose to make it. I am sure my family would love it to be money and property. I never got any of that from my family and had to look for my family legacy elsewhere. It wasn’t easy to find but there is always something good that we can draw from our family outside of the traditional wealth and property.

My dad was an organizer, a salesman, a toastmaster, and I have found I have a bit of that in me. The writing and speaking I do reflects that and I am grateful he encouraged my involvement in Toastmasters. There is an art to avoiding the “uh” and “um” when speaking.

He also taught me to enjoy sports. I am bowling to this day because he took me out and taught me when I was 10 years old. He also taught me volleyball, baseball, and football. I can actually hold my own pretty well when watching any of those sports.

I also get a hot temper from him, and I am learning to change my legacy to one of patience and temperance, a fruit that seems to be growing slowly. Justice is pretty big to me, and being opinionated isn’t often very loving. Sometimes your legacy is showing that you can change and not stay stuck in your ways.

More important than anything is the legacy of faith. To pass on to my children the importance of trusting in a God more powerful than them who will meet their needs in every circumstance, giving them a place to turn when life seems to be one big lemon… that is the best legacy possible.

I was reminded today that Moses lost his legacy at the last minute. All those years in the desert to bring his people into the promised land, and he is shut down at the entrance because he “blew it”, sinned. Wow, I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. And yet I can.

The legacy I had always wanted to leave was a wholesome happy marriage with wholesome happy children doing wholesome happy things, and live happily ever after. It wasn’t very realistic. Oh I think they are happy but more like the “Parenthood” TV family than the “Leave it to Beaver” family image I grew up with.  I have searched for wholesome happy families in the Bible and have yet to find them. Mostly I find broken people looking for a savior. Even Jesus’ own family rejected him, and He them. Funny isn’t it? The legacy I wanted was a fantasy.

But what the Bible does portray is a sundry bunch of lawless characters who are trying their best to do the right thing and occasionally stumble onto something that is good. They find forgiveness in a God who is the epitome of forgiveness, and find a love that they can only hope to express in the world around them.

So I am in good company. “She loved well and forgave relentlessy.” That is a legacy I would be content with.  Sorry kids, you may have to pay to put it on my headstone, or in my case, my urn. For to dust I shall return.

 

As We Forgive

Our Father who art in Heaven; hallowed be thy name

Thy Kingdom come; Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us…..  BAM!

There I was again. Coming up against that mandate that felt so wrong and so confusing. I had prayed the Lord’s prayer so many times from childhood until now and ignored that phrase consistently. Now I needed to know. Is Jesus saying forgiveness is conditional? He forgives us as we forgive others?

I thought He died on the cross to forgive all sin. Period. So no matter what we do or fail to do, we are forgiven. So why is He blurring the situation with this little requirement…. as you forgive, I will forgive.   You mean if I don’t forgive, my forgiveness is taken away? I have spent many years in denial of this part of the Lord’s prayer and finally had to face it head on.

What do you mean Jesus? If I could forgive, I certainly didn’t need you dying on the cross to get me forgiven. And isn’t it your job to forgive, not mine? You have seen the atrocities caused by some people here on earth. Only God could forgive those. What do I have to do with this equation? what is missing in my understanding?

A lot apparently. I only had to look at my own life to realize how hard I had struggled to forgive and what a toll it played on my peace of mind. Staying angry and not forgiving was so much easier, or so it seemed.

God’s forgiveness of me is an absolute. And it is an absolute that He forgave all of my offenders as well. Completely. Without a second thought. Yes, even ISIS and Hitler and my father! All forgiven. Absolutely.

It was my belief that was the problem. I needed a lens change. God didn’t forgive me just for me. He forgave me so that I would be an instrument of forgiveness. When we fail to forgive, we are diminishing our forgiveness and making our hearts irreconcilable to God. We need repentance and forgiveness to be reconciled… with God, not man.

God always stands in the position of the Forgiver. Even when His beloved Israel played the harlot, He was joyfully waiting to release forgiveness to her when she repented.

Like salvation, we have been forgiven, we are forgiven and we will be forgiven. That is what eternity is about. Forgiveness remains always just as our salvation does.

It is the condition of our hearts that God is concerned with. “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, you do to me.” When I don’t forgive others, I am rejecting the forgiveness I have received. It is as if i was not forgiven. Nothing is unforgivable because of Jesus.

When I hold something against another with lack of forgiveness I am putting myself in God’s place. He said they are forgiven. I say they are unforgivable. It is not for me to decide whether someone is forgivable. And if they are forgivable, then forgiveness needs to follow.

Where we get stuck is in our feelings. We don’t feel like forgiving. We are hurt, wounded, angry. Letting go of the hurt is different than forgiving. Choosing to forgive gets the ball rolling.

I have worked with many wounded women, subjected to sexual and physical abuse, who are being told they must forgive their abusers. “Forgive that? Did you see what they did? Why would I forgive HIM?” they cry. That level of anger and hurt may take more time to release. And sometimes it means coming into agreement with our own forgiveness during the incident. Sometimes we aren’t even forgiving our own part in the experience.

That doesn’t change a thing. Our forgiveness, the abuser’s forgiveness, is a finished issue. It is the truth that sets us free.

Choosing forgiveness does not always start out with feeling like forgiving. It starts with obedience. It’s a choice. The rest will follow. Feelings often follow actions. At some point the ability to let go of the pain and the person who caused it happens and we no longer find ourselves reacting so strongly to the memory.

At the moment of choice, we can again look at God and remember our own forgiveness. God can then begin the work in our heart that is required to make the exchange complete. Demanding that we can’t forgive shuts the door to our experiencing and remembering the fullness of our own forgiveness. It is as if suddenly we are also unforgiven.

Forgiveness means letting God deal with it. It doesn’t mean we have to have a chummy relationship with the person, or even be in their presence. It means we are free, because Jesus took it all upon himself. He never meant for you to carry that hurt and pain, because he took it to the cross already.

There came a point where I realized I had not fully accepted and received the fullness of the forgiveness bought for me on Calvary. I had all the markers of someone who had been forgiven… Jesus was invited into my heart and I had turned my life over to Him. But the depth of being forgiven for everything past, present and future was yet to be experienced. And only then could I allow others to be forgiven in the same way. What a relief when I finally came face to face with the work of the cross. Tears of gratitude swept over me and my whole life was drenched in forgiveness. And at that moment I could release my hold over others and let God forgive them through me.

Finally,  I could finish the words of the Lord’s prayer.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. 

Amen

 

I Am a Keeper!

I am a kept woman!

That is a pretty bold statement for a woman of the sixties who was hip deep in the women’s liberation movement. I got liberated all right. I found the best place to be a woman and not be controlled. No. Jesus is not a controller. He is a lover. And I am kept by Him.

Let’s define the idea of being kept as the world sees it. Generally we are referring to a woman (or man) who is being financially supported by a man (or a woman) who is not their spouse (often married to another) in exchange for guaranteed on demand sexual favors. Basically it is an illegal covenant relationship.

In the movie “Pretty Woman,” Edward offers Vivian just such a proposal. A high income place to live, classy clothes, a princess life style. And Vivian turns it down. Why? Even having lived the life of a hooker, her response is “I want the whole fairy tale.” She didn’t want to be a kept woman, she wanted to be THE woman of his life, the bride. And she got what she wanted. I love the last lines of the movie. “What happens after the prince saves her?” “She saves him right back.” Prophetic words indeed!

Being kept is a desire of the heart of every woman. But being kept illegally, not important enough to be THE kept woman, is a slap in the face of God’s plan. He created woman to be a helpmate, not a sex slave. The role of a helpmate is to be the keeper of the man as he is the keeper of his wife.

So how is it I call myself a kept woman? Yes I am fortunate to have no need to work, though I do for my own health. But that is not how I feel kept.

The word kept or keep in the bible is interchanged in various translations with guarded, protected, secured.

Jesus is the great Keeper, and when we are kept  by Him, we are safe, guarded, untouchable, protected and secure. How do I know?

John’s gospel gives us a prayer that Jesus prayed for his followers in which He included us who would come after the death of Jesus. Jesus prays:

Father, keep them in your name that you have given me, so that they may be one as we are one; While I was with them, I kept them in your name that that you have given me. I guarded them…. I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but I ask you to keep them from the evil one. (paraphrase Chapter 17 vs 11-16)

It is impossible to imagine that His Father in heaven would ignore the prayer of His Son who was about to die on the cross for us. So it is pretty spanking true that we are kept by the Trinity and kept from the evil one. Because Jesus asked and He wanted us to know that He asked or it wouldn’t be in the Bible. And if He asked, it is a done deal. A solid AMEN.

What does this mean for me today? Being kept means I walk free of fear and doubt as I did before Jesus ruled my life. The old man was always fearful and anxious. Now i am kept, safe and secure, in Jesus. And being kept means that Father Son and Holy Spirit are surrounding me along with a host of heaven’s angels, determined to keep me secure in who I am. “He will command His angels concerning you, to keep you in all your ways.” Psalm 91:11.

Being kept means I have guards all around me, as does any person of royalty, to be sure that no harm befalls me. That includes disease and illness and strife and wars and….. death. “His massive arms are wrapped around you, protecting (keeping) you. You can run under His covering of majesty and hide. ..For God will keep you safe and secure, they (evildoers) won’t lay a hand on you!” Psalm 91:4-6

Being kept also means your financial needs of food, clothing and shelter are supplied. He is the great Provider of ALL things. We lack nothing as children of the King. And everything is first class. He always wants the best for us. You are His best, and His desire is  for you to be the best version of who He saw when He first conceived of you before you were in your mother’s womb.

The bride prepares for herself to be kept by the bridegroom. She does that by beautifying herself, making sure that she is pure and spotless and ready to abandon herself into the arms of Her true lover. We are called to be without spot or blemish and the only way for that to happen is to abandon ourselves to the One who is our Keeper.

Now is the hour to step into the bridal chamber and allow yourself to be purified and dressed for the great wedding that is soon to take place. All pain and wounding and brokenness must be submitted to the one who knows our every need. Allow Him into your inner chamber for healing and blessing.

Keep Us Jesus, in You, as we keep You, in us.

Make me a keeper!

 

 

Don’t Look Back

I have this sign on my war room wall that reads “Don’t look back; you’re not going that way.”  I love that reminder especially since we just transcended into a new year on the calendar.

I am entering my 70th year of life. This is going to be my best year yet. How do I know? Because I am not looking back. Today is after all the first day of the rest of my life. Cliche, yes, but so true.

A new year is a new opportunity to align myself with my priorities once again. It is an opportunity to correct the path if needed, and reset goals for the days ahead. The only reason to look back is to rejoice in what promises were fulfilled in the last year, and then turn around and go forward. Onward. It is a form of repentance. Change your view to the future.

The Bible says it best. “Choose you this day whom you will serve.” (Joshua 24:15) and “A man cannot serve two masters. ” (Luke 26:13) Each day is a new beginning in making a choice for where I will put my attention and who I serve.

It is easy to rest on past accomplishments. How hard it must be for people who have won Pulitzer prizes or academy awards to continue to find a higher level. Do you just keep doing the same thing? Is there a higher honor? Imagine how bored past Presidents are! President of the United States is pretty up there as an accomplishment.

Jesus said, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’ Matthew 7:21-23

Pretty tough words! Lawlessness is also interpreted as works of evil, iniquity, you who act wickedly disobeying my commands. This is a hard saying. And more so because it is directed at Christians who believe they are doing the good works of God.

So how do we blow it. Jesus says, “I never knew you.” The word interpreted “knew” here is the same one used in “Adam knew Eve and conceived.” No, it doesn’t mean physical intercourse, but it does mean intimacy. Without going into Hebrew and Greek word study, the knowing has to do with covenant knowledge. I know who you are, I believe I want to enter into covenant relationship with you, a mutual eternal agreement of a relationship that surpasses time and space. When I know you, I am confident in the covenant growing as knowledge increases. In fact, I want to know you more because of what I discover, not get rid of you because I find out I don’t like what I see. And I definitely don’t try to win you over with my good works and impressive accomplishments.

Relationship that prospers us is based on a commitment and a desire for intimate knowing one to another. You want to be invested in someone who is fully invested in you. Marriage works best that way. And more so does our relationship with God.

Looking forward, I need to focus on that relationship and none other. If I have any fear it is that He would say, “I never knew you” because I was too focused on my accomplishments, my gifts, my miracles, seeing signs and wonders.

The beautiful thing about knowing God, through Jesus, is that I get to know myself as He sees me, because He shows me who I am through His eyes. Jesus prayed, “That they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.  The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one,  I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. ” John 17:21-24

Jesus is praying for us exactly that. “that they also may be in us.” Us! The Holy Trinity! We have full access to the fullness of God in the Trinity. I am convinced I have barely touched the surface of that oneness so I will go after the prize and believe that next year at this time I am closer to experiencing that oneness as much as possible this side of heaven.

In this intimacy, my gifts will flow; miracles and healings will happen; but not because of anything I earned or accomplished. Rather in my intimacy with and through the trinity, the presence dwells more fully in me. Where I go Jesus goes. And it is that part of me that carries Jesus that reaches out and touches the one who needs healing, or a miracle, nor a word of encouragement. And Jesus manifests Himself to the world.

My identity offers me intimacy and intimacy offers me a more complete identity. I come full circle into a place reserved for those who choose this day to follow Jesus. And that circle is constantly forward moving. I am not looking back. The future has me captured!

Love is a Choice

Sometimes love hurts. You love with no return. You love and the results are not what you expected. You love and it turns to disinterest. Love is tricky on all levels.

There is a love that is permanent and perfect. Only one. That is the love I found in God, because of Jesus Christ. I knew from the beginning that loving the way He does would be a very long and trying process. Being loved was a very rare thing in my life, so giving it would seemingly be impossible. If you haven’t experienced it, how do you know what it looks like?

But I did it anyway because when God puts His DNA into us and we receive His spirit in us by accepting Jesus into our lives, you get this inkling that the love you have received should be given away.

I have given my love away… a LOT! Love comes with choice and I chose to love some real  difficult characters and my love didn’t always make a big difference. I got hurt.

The love I had for my children, however, was completely different. Mother love is unique and profound. It can put you through experiences and circumstances you would have never chosen but for the fact that these were your children and your love was sacrificial.

Then they get to choose to love you back. Love is pretty simple when they are young and need you to survive. It is very complicated when they get old enough to decide. Even children have to choose to love their parents. Some don’t. And they leave.

I have a two year relationship with a cat I named Amber. (yes, I will connect the dots.)Amber has been a challenge for the whole two years. She is skittish, and probably a bit bipolar. She claws more than any cat ever, and my furniture reflects the results. She has a hard time finding the potty and in the last few months decided she would rather pee on the floor. Sprays, cleaners, lavender cat collars, room purifiers… nothing has helped. I hit the end yesterday. Right next to two litter boxes on the floor, with two different kinds of litters for the little princess, she started to squat to pee on the carpet…again. I shooed her out, and she ran. Only to find a carpet in the laundry room to pee on instead.

I lost it. I realized two years of trying to do the right thing for this cat to feel comfortable in this home and simply pee in the proper place had given me nothing but heartache. Her occasional lap visits were not enough of a reward for putting up with the way she was ruining my home.  The living room furniture is covered in blankets to keep her from clawing the new slipcovers I bought to protect the couch. Black tufts of fur are all over the place, as are pieces of carpet from the constant knitting she did. I couldn’t have visitors anymore. I was done.

In my anger, I opened the front door, making it easy for her to leave. She had a taste of the outdoors a year ago and has been punishing me ever since for wanting her to be an indoor cat. (We have coyotes in the back yard… it was for her own good.)

An hour later I went out and closed the door, as I remembered her last bout with outside had brought her home covered in fleas. But I was too late. Apparently she was gone, and I have not heard a meow since. It is peacefully quiet here, and a bit daunting. Was this cat’s identity always to be an outdoor cat and I had tried to make her live by my desires for her to be an indoor cat when it was against her personality?

I have just finished my book about identity, so I was getting a clear picture of what it looks like to try to make someone be who you need them to be, when it is nothing like they want to be, no matter how great the perks.

That is what happened with my daughter. She claims, and possibly rightly so, that I tried to get her to be what I wanted and never let her be herself. She resisted, rejected and ran. There is more to the story, but suffice it to say, she is still running and demanding that i let her be who she is, on her terms. She is now thirty-five years old, and has a real hard time committing to relationships, any of them. And definitely to me.

I have made endless attempts to woo her back. I have done everything to heal myself from controlling anything and want some semblance of a relationship with her. But she wants to be free. Like Amber, she wants relationship on her terms. And my job is to seemingly just be there when she needs a lapsit, and otherwise, just let her be free.

It is easier with a cat, I can tell you. I was not emotionally attached to Amber, there was no way to be when she was constantly causing my life to be in disarray. Before I opened that door, I was planning to call the N.O.A.H shelter and give her back. I was truly done.

This is my daughter. I don’t want to release her to her freedom, with the realization that she may NEVER choose to come back home. It reminds me of the story of the Prodigal Son. I had always seen her as my prodigal. But the prodigal son came home because he realized he had left something far more precious than what the world offered. He was willing to be a field worker if it meant returning to home.

I will welcome her with open arms should that ever happen. In the meantime, how do you let go ever seeing your youngest daughter again? How do you navigate giving someone freedom that you love and want a relationship with, an authentic mutual relationship?

I am not interested in tolerable recovery for this relationship. Like those family gatherings where she won’t look at me and I have to pull more than a few words of discourse from her mouth. Do you just stay in the corner and ignore her presence, when you so want to just go up and give her a big hug and love on her,  even though uninvited and unrequited?

Love is a choice. I choose to keep loving her. I may or may not show up at those family gatherings should she be there. I get to choose also whether I want to endure the pain of rejection that occurs every time I see her. So love for now may look like NO, even if my heart is hoping… maybe this time it will be different. 

I will wait for the prodigal to return home, really return, with open arms and a contrite, repentant heart. In the waiting, I will pray, pray that I will remain soft-hearted; that I can keep my heart from turning to stone towards her. Yes, love hurts. And only with a heart in a constant state of forgiveness can it stay soft.

And Amber, unrepentant, remains free.

 

The Journey Begins

Glittering images. The words were constantly interrupting my thoughts. What is it that God was trying to tell me? I knew it was a t the core of this book I was writing, the deep visceral understanding I had of identity that was surfacing.

Glittering Images.

One early morning I realized that my life had too often been a pursuit of glittering images rather than my true identity. Glittering images is the direct antithesis to true identity. There was a war all of my life to uncover the true Angela buried under the glittering images of expectations and performance. What is pleasing to man is rarely pleasing to God. He had conceived of me back when he created woman, with that same pronouncement of “This is good.” Angela was conceived in God’s heart and planned for this time on earth. He saw something in me that glittered like gold, that was my shine, and He was determined to release the fullness of Me into the world He had planned for me. Through the parents and family He chose for me; through the family I would have; through the friends and loved ones that would enter my path. He knew I would get buried under glittering images that would try to cover and kill the true image I was created to be – the reflection of Christ. We are meant to look in the mirror each day and see Christ. Each of us carries a part of the heart of Jesus, a piece of the whole, and that piece is ours to carry into eternity. Unfortunately, we often prefer someone else’s piece to our own, their glittering image to our own destiny and we fall prey to being an appearance of the real thing.

No more, I cried that morning. I am finished. No matter what I will allow the true identity of who you saw that moment of creation when you said, “Let there be Angela,” and you looked at me and said, “This is good.” I shed the glittering image I was wearing and knew that the answer was to be who I am at this moment in time. I rest int he truth that I am far from perfected, and I have a limited lens. I will seek daily to receive your lens, God, not only for seeing myself truly as I am, but others as you see them. It is a solemn journey that brings great joy to my heart.

Could Forgiveness save our Country?

Righteous anger. I know ALL about it. That person’s behavior is despicable and uncalled for and they should absolutely apologize. And they don’t. Just because. Perhaps owning the bad behavior would require some humility. Perhaps the shame is too much to face. So what happens inevitably is they withdraw- from the relationship, the family, facebook, whatever. It is a sad thing to watch.

When you want to maintain relationship with this person, for the simple reason that they are connected to people you care about and you don’t want there to be discomfort, what do you do? You seriously are in a dilemma.

Enter  forgiveness. You suspect they may not interested in fixing the relationship since they haven’t apologized. You know you didn’t deserve the slap. Who should forgive who?

Obviously, this person has a journey to forgive you. Do you have a journey to forgive them? I propose that  you do, righteous anger or not. Especially if you are a follower of Jesus. Is it easy? Not at all. So why not just leave things the way they are? Let the relationship go? Who needs that kind of a person in your life anyway?

Jesus invited Judas into the house for the last supper, and washed his feet just like everyone else. He is no respector of persons. Nor should I be if I am His follower. Jesus said I came not to be served but to serve. Tough words to avoid.

Now comes the “humble” part. Approaching this person, saying, you are sorry, can  only happen after you have truly forgiven them. And that may take some time. And don’t be fooled that you are capable of doing that in your own strength.

I don’t know what i would do without the grace and love of the Holy Spirit. Jesus knew what He was doing when He left this amazing Helper for us. He knew we were going to need all the help we can get.

That is how to begin the forgiveness process. From the servant heart of God. Apologizing for the thing you clearly didn’t do, but perhaps appeared to do, is a humble move of God that can only happen with His grace and power.  However, I think forgiveness from the heart for the slander and the lie must come first.

I pray something like this. “Father, I do not feel like forgiving this guy. He clearly was out of order and everything he said was a lie. I don’t know how to let go without your power. So please transform my heart to be soft towards this person. I do not excuse the bad behavior, but I do believe I must forgive. Help  me. ”

When you realize some time later that you are no longer thinking of all the indignation you feel over the slam, and can picture that person without wanting to throw darts at their face, you may be ready to approach them and apologize. Are they required to apologize back? Don’t let your apology be contingent on that. They may not be ready. They may not have even thought about it again. But you have. And you are the one feeling the pain. That is all you are accomplishing here. Apologize and let it go.

As I was ruminating about this whole process, which I recently went through and the feelings are still fresh in my mind, I consider what would happen in America if all the Trump Haters would forgive the Deplorables for choosing the wrong guy? And could all the Deplorables forgive the Trump Haters for hating them? And most of all, can we forgive Donald Trump for being a pompass and mouthy man?

What if? It clearly has to start with the followers of Christ. We have a model of forgiving behavior. So I just want to say, on behalf of other deplorables, (yes I am one) I am sorry your candidate lost. I pray that you begin to let go the loss and gear up to win the next time. That is what is great about America. And I forgive you for the attacks on my personhood because I simply disagree with your brand of patriotism.

I am so glad we live in America and have freedom of speech. I am also glad we have freedom to forgive. It is a choice. And one I encourage to consider. And by the way, unfriending someone on facebook because their politics make you angry….. That is not forgiveness. That is the opposite. Someone needs to start the ball to reconciliation going. Let it be me. I forgive all of you who unfriended me. I pray you come to understand that the love of Jesus far outweighs politics.

Whew. That felt good.